Too Aware of Too Little
A quasi-theory on mistaken self-awareness.
I had an idea that, I think, serves to explain the phenomenon whereby someone can see themselves as incredibly self-aware, whilst appearing quite unaware of themselves to others.
Setup
Let’s assume a person, Adam.
For the sake of this discussion, Adam can be represented as a set of qualities such that:
Adam = {Qualities}.
Let’s also assume that these qualities are split into two categories: Flaws, and Good Things.
So we have
Adam = Qualities = {[Good Things], [Flaws]}
Okay, so let’s ignore Good Things, as it’s not important to this discussion, and focus on Adam’s flaws.
Let’s say Adam has a grand total of 10 flaws such that [Flaws] = [Flaw 1, Flaw 2, …Flaw 10]
Brilliant.
Now, giving Adam the benefit of the doubt here, let’s say that, across Adam’s entire life, at one point or another, he has been aware of all 10 of his flaws, but he has never been aware of all 10 of them at the same time.
Thus, Adam has never known the total amount of flaws he truly has.
For example,
Note that, if I do not explicitly state Adam’s awareness of a flaw, then he is not aware of it.
Age 10: Adam was aware of Flaw 1 and Flaw 2.
Age 15: Adam was aware of Flaw 1, Flaw 2, Flaw 3, and Flaw 4.
Age 20: Adam was aware of Flaw 5, Flaw 6, Flaw 7, …Flaw 10 (Adam forgot about Flaws 1, …Flaw 4)
Core idea
Okay, assuming you’re still with me, then here is the fun part.
What, I think, can happen to Adam (and by generalisation, anyone) is that particularly notable events** can cause him to hyper-focus on a few specific flaws.
**If I had to define notable events here I would say it is an emotionally significant event that is also very memorable. Meaning something that:
(1) Triggered a strong emotional response when it happened
(2) Triggers similar emotional responses when it is remembered
(3) Is very hard to forget (So, is very easy to remember).
For example, let’s assume Adam had a girlfriend and also that she broke up with him because she did not like his behaviour.
Let’s also assume that this was very traumatic for Adam and thus he thinks about it often.
Let’s further assume Adam is certain that Flaw 1, Flaw 2, Flaw 3, and Flaw 4 were major causes of the behaviour which his girlfriend ended things over.
What can happen, I think, is that Adam can start to hyper-focus on those specific flaws. To Adam, those are his flaws, his attention never leaves them, and he starts to think that these are the only flaws he has.
Adam has zoomed in too close, and now he cannot see the forest for the trees.
See the visual aid below:
Prior to the notable event, Adam may drift across any number of these flaws at one time. He never was aware of all 10 at once, but was at least aware of all of them, individually, at points across his life time.
After the notable event, Adam believes he has, and only ever will have, these 4 flaws. In reality he has 10. But now, there is no room for drift. The remaining 6 flaws will go on completely unnoticed, whilst Adam focuses on these 4.
Branching conclusions
Alright, so I’m about to fork this essay into two branches:
Where Adam IS NOT neurotic**.
Where Adam IS neurotic
**Neurotic meaning, highly prone to anxiety, depression, low-self-esteem.
I’m doing this because both branches of thought lead to some interesting ideas, and also some people may be more interested in one branch than the other.
Adam IS NOT neurotic.
Assuming Adam is not neurotic, then all you have is someone who fails to see why other people think he is not self-aware.
In this Adam’s eyes, he has done all he can to work on himself, yet people keep complaining and suggesting he has more flaws than he sees.
This Adam either reconsiders what he thinks to be his Flaws (possibly allowing room for natural drift towards or even a conscious discovery of a new flaw), or he decides that people do not know what they are talking about and carries on doing him.
At its worst, this type of person might become apathetic, perhaps even condescending.
Adam IS neurotic.
Assuming Adam is neurotic, then you might have a very interesting and tragic situation.
Given a situation where Person A gets frustrated with this Adam because of his 6 unseen flaws, Adam can mistakenly take this as further evidence that the 4 flaws he can see are more important.
That is, Adam can assume that Person A is really frustrated at one of the 4 flaws, even if Person A said otherwise.
Neurotic Adam can think that he has simply not done enough to fix the 4 flaws that he is hyper-focused on and become even more hyper-focused on them.
At its worst, this type of person can become hateful, first towards himself and then towards others.
Compared to NOT Neurotic Adam, Neurotic Adam is more likely to sink further and further down into despair.
Conclusion
I think the idea here is that likely none of us are as self-aware as we think that we are.
I think that the example I have given can serve to explain, at least some instances of mistaken self-awareness. I also think that, when someone says that they are too self-aware, and that’s their problem, that they’re likely both quite right and quite wrong.
I suspect that most people are too aware of too little. It’s not that they’re focused on the wrong thing, just not enough of the right things. If too much of a good thing can hurt you, surely not enough good things can hurt too.
To what extent does not enough often look and feel like too much? That’s a question for me to think about later.
Essentially, I’d argue that the more self-aware you think that you are, the higher risk there is that you are like Adam.
That said, I’m sure some of us can be as self-aware as Rick Rubin in a 60 Minutes interview.
Final thoughts
Look, this was just a loose, fun idea, which came to me in about 8 minutes on the loo. There are obvious nuances here, for instance:
It’s arguable that 20% of your flaws account for 80% of your issues. So, in some cases, it makes sense to focus on a few flaws, assuming you pick the right ones.
Many people focus on a problem and then put it down. It’s very common to think Flaw 1 is the biggest thing in the world in your teens and then see it as not that big of a deal later in life.
Flaws are, at least in some sense, context-dependent. That is; a flaw in one environment is a blessing in another one.
It’s not always the case that we are even fully aware of what our flaws really are. You can, and often do, unintentionally address them and unintentionally miss them.
And many more.
Hope that made you think
-O
The man is holding a magnifying glass shaped mirror to his face, yet his eyes are closed and there’s no reflection in sight. I think it captures the idea of that ineffective hyper-focus on the self I was writing about.